"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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