He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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