Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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