we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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