who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
