Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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