Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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