True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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