i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Be still, my beating vagina.
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
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And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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