I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
