I feel great
I just peed on a car
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Watching her eat just hurts me
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize