Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
