should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
