i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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