My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
