I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
vagina is talking i cant
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
