Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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