Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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