im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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