Your dad touched me again.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
