She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
