Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
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is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
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I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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