Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
15 Porn Memes You’re Only Allowed To Laugh At If You’re Over 18
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
