drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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