The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
