Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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