Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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