my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
