is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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