Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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