i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
