I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
