i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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