Don't make out with my wife yet
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
don't judge my taste in strippers
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
