The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
