I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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