Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
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He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
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Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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