If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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