You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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