she was so not down for the gang bang
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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