I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
