I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
