nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
