MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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