Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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