he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
