I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
