If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
