You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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