I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
