I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
