haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
