Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
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it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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