I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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