2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
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How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
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They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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