I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
