you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
