So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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