Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
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I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
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He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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